two words

Hey friends, sorry it’s been a while. These past few months have been crazy – but I’m coming to realize that life is crazy in general, and if I try and wait until nothing’s going on to write a blog post…then I’ll never write a blog post. So I’m back. As I’m sitting here in Starbucks typing this baby up, there are about ten different ways I can see this post going – different ideas or realizations or experiences that the Lord has been using to teach me over these past four months, that I would love to share with you all. There’s a lot.

But as I was laying in my room yesterday, lazily gazing out the window, two words came to mind that encompass all my experiences and lessons of this past chunk of my year. Two words that take the beginning of a sentence and change its direction. Two words that have the strength to bring hope to hopeless situations, to bring peace in the midst of chaotic moments, to pluck you out of passivity and into an adventure halfway across the world. The more I think about it, I believe that they may be the two most powerful, the most exhilarating, the most heartening words of all:

But God.

I put a period there, but it should be a comma – because when you throw “but God” into a sentence, it’s not to end it, but to take it somewhere new. And the Lord has definitely been taking me to some new places lately. Let’s look back.

In mid April, I had no real plans for my summer. I had gotten a rejection from Pine Cove a few months earlier, and through various instances the Lord had made it clear that camp in general was not for me this summer. I was thankful for that clarity, but also understandably disappointed. But instead of then going out and prayerfully trying to see where it was God did want me to be this summer, I just passively resigned myself to going home and figuring something out there. I thought I could use this summer to start writing the book I’ve been talking so long about, to just spend time with my dad, and figure some things out on my own. It was going to be fine – but God had another idea. And I’m really glad He did.

So it’s mid April, and I’m sitting down with my dear friend Bindu in the Memorial Student Center, just shootin’ the breeze, like you do. She turns to me and asks what I’m going to be doing this summer, and I start into my pre-rehearsed speech on how “I’m just going home,” where I try and make it sound as not-lame as possible. Mind you, this is a speech I had already repeated many times to many folks, where the general reaction was to just kinda smile and nod in response, offering a weak, “awh, I’m sure that’ll be nice.” But Bindu – thank God – was not having it.

“No,” she interjected, before I was done with my spiel, “no, you can’t just go home all summer. We only get so many of these huge breaks where you have nearly no responsibilities and can do anything.” She was hurriedly pulling out her laptop as she spoke, bringing up some website.

“You can’t waste this summer,” she said, flipping around her computer to face me, displaying a website to a mission organization – a huge map covered in dots of places they were taking trips as it’s home page. “You have to go on one of these.”

I was a bit taken aback. The website stated these trips were 1-3 months long, leaving in early June for destinations all over the world. She started telling me about her experience going on one of their trips a few summers ago. Yeah, it seemed cool, but that departure date was less than two months away – and honestly, I was pretty content with my plan of going home and having a comfy, easy summer. I thought I could just entertain Bindu with the idea of me going until we had to go to class, and then just quietly push it under the rug (sorry, Bindu). No one would have to know this conversation ever happened. No one would have to know that although a big part of me wanted to forget about the possibility of one of these trips happening, that somewhere deeper I was also feeling a tug to look into it, to do it, to go. I tried to ignore that tug for the sake of comfort, for the sake of ease, for the sake of myself, but God didn’t let me off that easy.

The next day I was getting lunch with my wonderful friend Sarah. I literally told myself before meeting with her, “Hannah, if you don’t want to do one of these trips, do not bring it up to Sarah. She will convict the heck out of you. So just don’t do it.” But alas, what did I do, just moments later? I told Sarah. And I think God laughed.

Within moments of filling Sarah in on the previous day’s conversation and pulling up the website again, that dang Sarah Spohn had tears in her eyes and the biggest smile on her face. This girl is the best kind of crazy. “Han,” she said, “you’ve been talking this whole semester about how you want to be bold for Jesus, how you want to be willing to do uncomfortable and unpopular things for him, how you want to not just talk about the life you want to live for him but actually do things and go live it. This is such a perfect opportunity to do that, to live out your faith. You have to go.”

As we kept talking, she continued to encourage and challenge me, and by the end I was feeling more inspired than one is after watching Shia Labeouf’s motivational speech. But I was still scared.

“But Sarah,” I started, “I’m just a kid. I can’t really do one of these trips. And…what if it’s really hot? And what food will I eat? I literally have no idea what I’m doing.” These legitimately were the three fears I voiced to my friend, who laughed in response, essentially asking, “do you even know who God is?”

And if that wasn’t enough, Sarah got passive-agressive-Biblical on me. Here’s a direct quote: “You know what I really like? The book of Isaiah.”

As someone who was still halfway holding on to the idea of my comfy summer at home in my bed, I begrudgingly pulled out my Bible and flipped open to Isaiah. The first verse that popped up, highlighted one day in the past, was Isaiah 41:10 – “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Hm. I passed it off as a coincidence, and flipped the pages again, this time to Isaiah 55:2, which reads, “Why spend your money on something that is not real food? Why work for something that doesn’t really satisfy you? Listen closely to me, and you will eat what is good; your soul will enjoy the rich food that satisfies.”

Okay, still a coincidence, I thought, because I am incredibly stubborn and could feel my easy summer being tugged away. I flipped one more time, and hit a third verse I had highlighted who knows when. Isaiah 58:11-12, which says, “The Lord will always lead you. He will satisfy your needs in dry lands and give strength to your bones. You will be like a garden that has much water, like a spring that never runs dry.”

Dang. There it was. My three silly fears had been met with God-breathed truth. As much as I may have wanted it to be, this wasn’t a coincidence. This was Jesus saying, loud and clear, “let’s do this thing.”

Within two weeks – two weeks full of long phone conversations with my dad, applications, references and phone interviews, I was accepted into the program. Throughout the whole process I was open to which specific trip I wanted to go on – God had been very clear in getting me to go, but there was no bright light shining down when it came to where exactly my destination would be. But through prayer, through different decisions opening and closing doors, and through a general attitude of “I’ll go where you need people,” by the end of the process I was signed on for a trip to Southeast Asia for one month. This was happening.

Phase one of this journey can be summarized in a few “but God”s. I had weak, generally self-serving plans for my summer – but God had a place for me on a team working for him halfway around the world. I had fears and doubts and was reluctant to give up my summer of comfiness, but God encouraged me and matched my fears with truth from his Word. I was nice and snug in my A&M Christian bubble where we too often are concerned with ourselves and all the fun we’re having, but God popped the bubble big time and showed me that he so loved the world, and I needed to get out into it.

Fast forward a month and a half, and I was on a Florida-bound plane, headed to a few days of orientation before me and a team of people I didn’t know yet would be off to another country. I had hugged my family goodbye, and wasn’t going to be seeing them again for over a month. I had a vague idea of what my experience in-country would be like, but a lot of things were still unknown. As I sat there at 30,000 feet, I began to more or less totally freak out. This was real life, I was going, and I was scared out of my pants. Fears and doubts and uncertainties and anxieties were having a field day in my head and my heart. There was, no joke, a moment where I wondered if they would let me go home if I had a broken arm, followed by me considering how possible it would be to break my own radius.   

I was not brave. I was not trusting in the truths God had shown me a few weeks back. I wasn’t thinking about who our mighty Father is and what he’s promised us. I was panicking. But the plane flew on, and soon I was at orientation.

I was a scared basket case, but God, in his grace, met me in Crazy Town and spent the next few days of orientation leading me out. With each passing session of each passing day, I was reminded of who God is, and felt the strength and peace and confidence that comes from knowing and resting in him. And with each passing session of each passing day, I was reminded of the fact that the Lord our God is worthy. No one told any of our teams that our summers around the world would be easy. Instead, they seared into our hearts that our God is worth the struggle, worth the challenges we’d face, worthy of not just the coming months but of our entire lives. Worthy is the lamb who was slain. Worthy is the one who, by his blood, ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation (check out Revelation 5:9/5:12).

The night before we were to head off halfway around the world, my freak-out-scaredy-cat-ness seemed a million miles away. I still didn’t know what to expect, or what we’d encounter when we got there, and I knew I’d miss my family and friends, and I was sure we’d be challenged in countless ways – but I felt ready. It was none of my own confidence or preparedness that had me feeling so sure that night, but entirely God and the strength that comes from knowing and trusting in him. He was worthy of it all, of my all, and I wanted to give it all to him.

So here was our Phase Two of the journey, filled with its own set of beautiful “but God”s. I was terrified to the point of wanting to break my own arm as the days before going overseas drew nearer – but God met me right where I was and reminded me of his truths, of his love, of his power, and of his steadfastness, and my fears faded in his glorious light. I was focusing on everything that could go wrong – but God gave me moment after moment of reminder of his true worthiness, and I was overwhelmed with the peace that comes from knowing that there’s nothing to lose when we’re doing things for him.

Fast forward again, this time through 24 hours of international travel, and my incredible team (five of us total) had finally made it to the island. We were there. And thus began thirty days of new languages, wild adventures, squatty potties, chicken dances, gold-thief-accusations, lots of rice, and above all, seeing just how big and how mighty our God is.

Day in and day out, I felt the Lord’s unending faithfulness, and his perfect provision. I was challenged and stretched in ways I hadn’t been before, and it wasn’t always easy or fun, but God gave me the strength I needed for each moment. My life was a wonderful picture of Psalm 73:26, “my flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Blessing after blessing was poured out over me and my team. He is good, y’all. So good. Wow.

For a majority of the trip we were living in rural village homestays, a far cry from my cozy, air conditioned house back in the US. And I’m a big fan of my cozy, air conditioned house. But here’s the thing – when you’re stripped of all the little, worldly things that don’t matter, it just points more and more to the one thing that does matter: Jesus Christ.

God used my month overseas to pound into my heart that this life is about living passionately for Jesus and pouring myself out for the sake of the Gospel. It is about knowing Jesus and making him known. It is about resting in the fullness of God’s love, soaking in it so that I may squeeze it out to everyone around me, no matter where I am. It is about loving him, and loving others, and showing others his love. It is about the freedom and joy and strength and peace and purpose that solely comes from God.

This life is about Jesus. It is all about Jesus. The end. But it’s really more of a beginning. The beginning of a life lived with my eyes on the One who gave me life. The One who turns my mourning into dancing. The One who is always faithful. The One who created me, who fully knows and still fully loves me. The One who is with me always, to the end of the age. The One whose mercies are new every morning, who brings hope for each moment.

And the one who brought about the most beautiful “but,” of all:

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” – Ephesians 2:1-10

I am weak, but God is strong. I am scared, but God tells me to not be afraid. I am happy in my easy, comfortable bubble, but God graciously pops it and shows me the world that he so relentlessly loves. I am in over my head, but God is always faithful.

I was dead in my sins, but God made me alive.

Thank you Lord, for stepping in and changing everything. Thank you for your powerful, life-giving and life-changing, beautiful, beautiful “but”s. So trust the “but,” y’all. Know He is good, and that He’s got us, always.

“Praise and glory and wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever. Amen!” – Revelation 7:12